Emotional Shutdowns & Meltdowns

What’s Really Happening (and How to Help)

By Steve Fox – Founder of Little Big Minds

When a child is overwhelmed, their behaviour can change suddenly and dramatically.
They might cry, shout, slam doors, go silent, refuse to speak, or completely withdraw.

From the outside, it can look confusing — or even alarming.

But emotional shutdowns and meltdowns aren’t “bad behaviour”, attention-seeking, or defiance.
They are stress responses.

Understanding what’s really happening underneath can completely change how we support a child — and how supported we feel as adults.

Meltdowns vs Shutdowns: What’s the Difference?

Although they look very different, meltdowns and shutdowns come from the same place: an overwhelmed nervous system.

🔥 Meltdowns

Meltdowns are an outward release of emotional overload.

They might include:

• Crying, shouting, screaming

• Anger or aggression

• Throwing things

• Panic or distress

A meltdown is not a choice. It happens when a child’s brain can no longer cope with what’s being asked of it.

❄️ Shutdowns

Shutdowns are an inward response to overload.

They might look like:

• Going very quiet or withdrawn

• Refusing to speak or respond

• Freezing or “zoning out”

• Avoiding eye contact

• Saying “I don’t know” or “I can’t”

Shutdowns are often misunderstood because they’re quieter — but they can be just as distressing internally.

Some children experience more meltdowns, some more shutdowns, and some move between both.

Why Do These Happen?

Emotional shutdowns and meltdowns usually occur when stress builds up over time.

Common triggers include:

• Sensory overload (noise, lights, crowds)

• Social pressure or masking all day

• School demands or transitions

• Feeling misunderstood or unheard

• Anxiety, uncertainty, or fear

• Being “brave” for too long

Many children hold it together at school — then release everything once they’re home.
This isn’t because home is the problem — it’s because home feels safe enough to fall apart.

What’s Happening in the Brain?

When a child is overwhelmed:

• The thinking part of the brain goes offline

• The survival system takes over (fight, flight, freeze)

• Logical reasoning, talking things through, or following instructions becomes impossible

This is why phrases like “calm down”, “use your words”, or “you’re overreacting” don’t help in the moment.

The child isn’t choosing their reaction — their nervous system is reacting for them.

What NOT to Do in the Moment

When emotions are high, it’s tempting to:

• Demand explanations

• Ask lots of questions

• Correct behaviour immediately

• Threaten consequences

• Try to “reason it out”

Even with the best intentions, this can increase distress.

In a meltdown or shutdown, the goal is regulation first — not lessons.

How to Help in the Moment

Think calm, safe, and simple.

✔️ Stay regulated yourself

Your calm helps their nervous system settle. Slow your breathing. Lower your voice.

✔️ Reduce input

Less talking, less questioning, fewer instructions.

✔️ Offer safety, not solutions

Simple phrases can help:

• “You’re safe.”

• “I’m here.”

• “We’ll figure this out later.”

✔️ Respect space (or closeness)

Some children need quiet space. Others need presence. Follow their cues.

✔️ Let it pass

This is not the time for teaching, problem-solving, or consequences.

What Helps Afterward (When Everyone Is Calm)

Once regulation has returned, gentle reflection can help — not immediately, but later.

You might:

• Name what you noticed:
  “It looked really overwhelming earlier.”

• Validate the feeling without judging the behaviour

• Look for patterns together

• Discuss supports that could help next time

The aim isn’t to stop emotions — it’s to build understanding and trust.

Long-Term Support That Makes a Difference

Over time, these strategies can reduce the frequency and intensity of shutdowns and meltdowns:

• Predictable routines

• Visual supports or clear expectations

• Sensory tools (ear defenders, quiet time, movement)

• Reducing unnecessary pressure

• Emotion coaching outside of crisis moments

• Feeling believed and understood

When children feel emotionally safe, their nervous system doesn’t need to work so hard.

A Final Reassurance

If your child experiences emotional shutdowns or meltdowns, it doesn’t mean you’re failing — and it doesn’t mean your child is “too much”.

It means something underneath needs support.

And when behaviour is seen as communication rather than defiance, real change becomes possible.

You’re not alone in this — and help is available.